


Tsukishima's bad days

by ceocrispystrips



Series: The Butterfly Effect: This is Now [1]
Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Eating Disorder Not Otherwise Specified, Gen, Hurt No Comfort, Sad Tsukishima Kei, Tsukishima Kei-centric, i just wanted to write tsukki in pain, no beta we die like men, tsukishima kei having a bad day
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-12
Updated: 2020-09-12
Packaged: 2021-03-06 17:20:34
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,108
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26432548
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ceocrispystrips/pseuds/ceocrispystrips
Summary: Life was tough, but so is Tsukishima, up to a point.
Series: The Butterfly Effect: This is Now [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2194380
Kudos: 107





	Tsukishima's bad days

**Author's Note:**

> TW: mentions of self-harm and thoughts (but he doesn't really realize it)

"Shit." Tsukishima quietly muttered, rubbing his knee. Why did the goddamn counter have to be there? It was as if God herself was trying to make his day even worse.

And it was only 7 a.m.

Tsukishima's day started horrible, he woke up drenched in sweat and had a nightmare which he didn't remember. He took a shower and burned himself because he forgot to check the temperature before he got in. He knocked over a bottle of perfume that he hated but one of his relatives bought it for his birthday so he had to keep it and obviously, it broke; now his whole bathroom smelled like flowers and Tsukishima never wanted to step foot in there again. 

As he got down to the kitchen, he tripped on the last step and came face first in the wall, leaving an angry red mark on his forehead. He had no appetite and couldn't eat the breakfast his mother made for him before she left for work and on top of all of that, he had a massive headache. 

He'd love to stay home today, to go back in bed, sleep and do nothing for the rest of the day. But a simple headache wouldn't get him out of school, so he packed his lunch, put on his shoes and left. 

Tsukishima was supposed to meet with Yamaguchi at their usual spot, but he was late. Tsukishima was early, but still, he hated waiting. He could only pray his friend would get there within the next five minutes or else he'd go home. 

Unfortunately for him, Yamaguchi arrived early, like he always does, and greeted Tsukishima with his usual grin and wave. 

They didn't talk much, the silence between them was always so nice, so comforting and Tsukishima liked that. The last thing the blond wanted right now was someone talking to him about something he probably wasn't interested in. 

Yamaguchi knew his friend like the back of his hand, hell, he probably knew Tsukishima better than he knew himself. That was his pride, knowing Tsukki better than anyone else, knowing when he was excited or pissed, when he needed space or when he needed comfort (even though he rarely did and he preferred to be alone in those moments). So Yamaguchi noticed right away, before he even greeted Tsukishima, that something was off. 

The blond would sometimes have his bad days. Days where he wasn't in the mood to talk to anyone, not even Yamaguchi, days when he got irritated quick, days where he didn't feel like himself and Yamaguchi understood. He understood and gave him space. He always made sure that Tsukishima knew he was there, ready to listen and help but Tsukishima never took his help. 

Morning practice was terrible. Morning practice was always terrible. Tsukishima hated mornings, therefore nothing seemed to work in the mornings for him. Usually, that wasn't the case, that was only how he perceived things, but today he was off. He barely blocked any attacks, he was slower than usual and the way his teammates were so hyped was making Tsukishima so pissed. 

He always wondered how do they have this much stamina, how are they always so happy, so eager to play. Even Yamaguchi fell in love with volleyball before Tsukishima could and that really pissed him off. 

He tried to brush these thoughts aside, he tried to focus, he tried to do what he was supposed to do. 

But it felt so hard, almost impossible to do even the bare minimum right now. Tsukishima wasn't sure what this feeling was, but whenever one of his teammates gave him a pat on the back and said 'don't mind, don't mind' with a cheerful smile, he felt heavy. 

Which, if he gave it a second thought was really weird how he felt empty yet heavy at the same time. And every single worried glance, every single supposedly encouraging words he got from his teammates made it so much worse.

He basically ran out the door when Coach Ukai announced that practice ended. He changed as quickly as he could and headed to class, with Yamaguchi behind him, trying to catch up. 

Today's classes were boring, as usual, their chemistry tests came back and he got a ninety-one, which was really good, but somehow Tsukishima wasn't pleased. 

Yamaguchi knew today was a bad day, but when Tsukki asked him to go eat outside, somewhere behind the bleachers, far from everyone else, he knew it wasn’t just a normal bad day. Tsukishima was awfully quiet (he wasn't that much of a talkative person in general, but he would say something, he would express his opinion on what Yamaguchi was talking about) and now it seemed like he didn't even listen to Yamaguchi rambling about this new TV show he saw yesterday. 

They had two more classes before afternoon practice and Yamaguchi didn't know whether or not he should bring this up (the fact that Tsukishima should maybe go home today) or shut up. Tsukishima would probably tell him to shut up and he would, but he felt a little rebellious today. 

"If you don't feel good today, you can skip practice. I'm sure Daichi or Couch wouldn't mind." He was most probably right, no matter how harsh and strict the captain and Couch were, they cared more about their teams’ well-being than practice. Yet, Tsukishima didn't want to skip, (yes he did). He felt like that would be selfish. He'd feel even worse if he'd skip practice now. 

Yamaguchi only nodded along, knowing whatever he'd say wouldn't do any good and hoped that his friend would get better or change his mind. 

That obviously wasn't the case and now Tsukishima and Yamaguchi are now in the changing room, the only ones there since they got there last.

The blond really considered going home, just leave everything behind and go, he pondered the pros and cons and he thought about his bed and the comforting silence of his home and for a few seconds, he thought about slamming his head in the locker a few times, maybe until he'd crack his skull open and bleed to death on the floor. Somehow, the idea didn't sound that bad in his fucked up head, but he tried not to think about it and went on with practice. 

Just like this morning, he was in horrible shape. His headache is still there and persistent as ever. His everything hurt and he tried so hard to not collapse then and there. 

By the time practice ended, Tsukishima managed to block close to zero attacks today. He was not only ashamed that everyone had to witness him like that, but also guilty and that feeling of heaviness was lingering inside him. 

Suga kept saying it's ok, he tried his best, everyone had bad days and Tsukishima swore if he heard these phrases or anything remotely similar again, he'd go through with his plan of bleeding to death in the locker room. 

It wasn't ok, he didn't try his best and not everyone had these kinds of bad days. Tsukishima knew his bad days weren't like others, his bad days were different. He learned that when he told Yamaguchi how he felt on one particularly bad day in their second year of junior high and the freckled boy looked at him like he grew a second head. 

On Tsukishima's bad days, he didn't just feel bad, he couldn't just sleep it off, take a painkiller or two and have a nice home-cooked meal and everything would be ok, no. He wanted to lock himself up in his room, crawl in his bed, under the covers and hide there, preferably until he starved to death. 

He wanted to rip his skin apart, to tear it up and pour any liquid that burns harder than gasoline on himself and set himself on fire. Tsukishima knew this wasn't exactly normal to have these kinds of thoughts and he knew normal people didn't have violent thoughts like this, but he couldn't help it. 

And today was seemingly a worse than average bad day because the moment he stepped in the locker room to change with all of his teammates there, he felt like he was going to break down. Like he would just collapse and sit on the floor and sob uncontrollably for the next two hours then pass out. 

And god how he tried not to. He tried so hard to keep himself composed and 'normal', whatever that meant, but it felt impossible. With Yamaguchi and Suga throwing worried glances at him, he couldn't focus properly. 

He felt like he was moving in slow motion like he was watching a movie, like he was watching himself from afar and couldn't do anything, so whatever happened, happened, with or without his consent. 

Tanaka and Noya were rambling about something, most probably Kiyoko, and they were so loud. Them, plus Hinata and Kageyama bickering back and forth about anything and everything and all this noise, it really made Tsukshima want to commit first-degree murder.

Then, there were the third years that were eyeing him like they were waiting for something, like Tsukishima was the prey and they were waiting for him to make a mistake so they could grab and eat him whole. The thought of one of the third years coming up to him to ask questions was terrifying to Tsukishima - he’d rather pull his own heart out rather than be interrogated about his mental health.

Luck was on his side today, (more or less), and no one questioned his behaviour. Now, he was walking a few steps of Yamaguchi, his earphones on his head, not playing any music though. He could almost hear the wheels spinning in Yamaguchi’s head; why was he thinking so damn loud.

He could feel his friends' eyes on him the whole road, he could feel he wanted to say something, but he never did. And then they reached the point where they separated and Yamaguchi looked at him with his sweet smile and waved his hand and “See you tomorrow, Tsukki!” and Tsukshima almost yelled at him to just say it, but he never did. He just watched Yamaguchi back until he was out of sight then put on some music and headed back home.

Once he got home, he greeted his lovely mother, who made him dinner and invited him to sit at the table and eat with them both - he flat-out refused, throwing an ‘I’ve eaten a lot at school’ and went to his room.

He shut the door a little too harshly, locked it and plopped on his bed, face down, not bothering to change.

Tsukishima was royally pissed. 

Pissed at how good hi mother is and the way she always takes such good care of him, pissed because for some reason he still can’t get over himself and talk to his brother normally, pissed at Yamaguchi for not talking to him, pissed at the third years for wanting to ask questions, pissed at the third years for not asking questions, pissed at himself because he knew he would have dodged the questions and so very pissed at himself because he acts so passive-aggressive at everyone and he’s such a child and he’s not mature enough and he’s too emotional but not when he needs to be and holy shit- was he crying?

Tsukishima didn’t even realise he was full-on sobbing into his mattress until he got up and noticed the damp spot. He wiped his face with his hands a little too aggressive and now his eyes were burning and he started digging the heels of his hands in his eyes and when did he start clenching his jaw so hard it started to hurt?

And he was spiralling.

He didn’t even properly finish a thought until another came on and another and another and he wasn’t conscious of his surroundings or what was happening to him. Tsukishima didn’t even realize he passed out until he woke up again and it was nine pm.

The teenager got up - and fell back down, a sudden wave of dizziness took over and he laid back for a couple more seconds - then he walked over to his bathroom, which, thankfully, didn’t smell as bad as it did when he left.

Only one look in the mirror made him feel nauseous - Tsukishima looked almost alive. Impressive. It made sense why people were staring at him weirdly. Now, all he could hope for was that a nice cold shower and sleeping early is going to solve his problems.


End file.
